I know its been a long time since I last posted. Its not that life has been entirely uneventful. People who’ve been around me for the past couple of months will know how ‘happening’ life has been. There has been a thoroughly enjoyable trip to Pune, which I mentioned in my previous posts, but life after that has been pretty monotonous, generally speaking. Monotonous, work wise, with work taking up a large chunk of my daily routine. Sundays have been spent catching up with friends, or simply relaxing.

The point and purpose of this post? Well, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, both regarding my personal and professional life. Certain professional decisions, I’ve been contemplating to take for a while now, have been taken. I’ve been obsessed with a few people and a few things, and as I’ve mentioned to a couple of people already, I think I must get rid of this obsession for my own good. As a rule, I’ve always avoided blogging about my personal life. My personal soul searching though, merits a vague description of my thoughts, so that is the purpose of this post.

Why is it, I wonder, that I always go miles out of the way to be there for people? Why is it that when I expect certain things from certain people, knowing extremely well that they were capable of fulfilling my expectation, it never materialises? Why is it that, I anticipate what people very close to me are thinking, and solve their problem, before, if not immediately, they say it? Why is it that no one can read my mind, though I can read the minds of those close to me?

The answer to these questions are complex. But all of them hinge on one word. Expectation. A tendency of every human. The eighth deadly sin, IMO. When you expect something from someone unsuccessfully, irrespective of how close that person is to you, the result is disappointment. You’re left feeling upset, if your expectation is not fulfilled. When that happens, and you’re upset, all logical thinking goes out of the window. Your single desire is not to figure out why your expectation was not fulfilled, but to ensure you make that person feel miserable for making you feel upset. Either that, or you sink into your shell, the second of which I was doing very frequently.
Why should it be that people close to you think and react to situations exactly the way you would have? When people are close to each other, they build a certain level of expectation between themselves. The problem arises when one person stops living upto the expectation levels built by the other, albeit ONLY once, and its mayhem.

There have been many incidents over the past couple of months that have left me very upset. Disappointed. I’ve wanted to confront the people concerned and ask them what exactly did I do, to deserve what I got. I’ve controlled that desire. I’ve taken them in my stride, and I think I’ve concealed how upset I felt pretty well. I’ve thought about it, and I’ve realised that my expectation from those people was the root cause of all my ill feeling. Sometimes I think I forgive people too easily. Sometimes I think I forget things done to me very soon. Maybe I’ll change that. Maybe I’ll not expect things anymore. But then, maybe, people close to me will not remain close to me anymore, for I would not remain the person they knew.

No< i’m not trying to be vain, but I’ve written this in like 15 mins flat, whatever came to my head. My raw thoughts. Apologies, if this post just obfuscates you.

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